Why Your Partner Resists Couples Counseling

I always feel that couples counseling is often misused and misunderstood. One half either doesn’t want to be there, was forced to be there or is simply giving it a last ditched effort so they can check off the box and say they did it.  Some of the reasons I have heard from couples I have worked with.

“If we go to therapy, I might have to use... feelings.”Translation: They’re scared of vulnerability and don’t have the vocabulary yet—but that’s what you’re here for!

“The therapist is just going to take your side anyway.”Translation: They’re secretly afraid they’ll lose the argument... because deep down, they know you might be right this time.

“Why pay someone to watch us argue when we do it for free at home?”Translation: They don’t yet understand therapy isn’t about arguing better—it’s about understanding deeper.

“I don’t want someone digging into my childhood”Translation: There’s trauma or baggage there—and avoidance feels safer than growth. (Until it doesn’t.)

“We don’t need therapy—we just need a vacation.”Translation: Escaping is easier than engaging... but plane tickets won’t heal what a trained therapist can.

“Therapy is just talking. I can do that with the guys (or ladies).”Translation: They’ve never experienced the power of a skilled professional holding space, guiding repair, and giving tools that actually work.

“I don’t want to be blamed for everything.”Translation: They assume therapy is about fault—not growth, teamwork, and co-responsibility.

“I’ll go... as long as I can bring a whiteboard.”Translation: They’re more comfortable with logic than emotion—but therapy can meet them where they are (with or without the charts).

“If we go to therapy, that means we’re failing.”Translation: They equate help with failure, not realizing the healthiest couples ask for help before they’re in crisis.

Most resistance isn’t about therapy—it’s about fear: of being misunderstood, blamed, exposed, or not knowing how to fix things. The good news? A skilled therapist knows how to make therapy feel safe, shared, and even—dare we say—hopeful.

However, it is also important to understand why they feel as they do. Here are some of the most common reasons I see that people say no to couples therapy, and which of these reasons are valid.

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Husbands fear that their issue, lack of physical intimacy, will be ignored or downplayed by a female therapist. This is often valid. If you are struggling with any sexual issue, it is important that this be addressed alongside other issues like communication or division of labor. Otherwise, one partner’s philosophy and needs is weighted as more important than the others, which means that both partners will not feel equally heard in session. Intimacy is the glue that connects couples and begins way outside the bedroom.

Your partner is extremely defensive and scared of being wrong. This is a personality style that crosscuts gender. In this case, couples therapy is truly a frightening prospect, because your partner fears that they will be told that their perspective or behavior is not healthy or valid. Certainly, a skilled couple’s counselor will diminish either partner’s perspective, but equally certainly, neither partner will leave with the exact same perspectives as they came in with, or else counseling was a waste. If this is your situation, reassure your partner that you have just as much to work on as they do (if this is hard for you to say… then you may be just as defensive as they are!) and that you aren’t going to therapy in order to get them to admit they are “wrong” but in service of having a closer and more connected marriage. Understanding the root of defensiveness can be very useful in allowing you to stay calm and not go into the “prosecutor” role.  

They feel like they have no time or energy for the work of therapy. This is a harder sell in the age of virtual therapy, but when people are very anxious or depressed, they often feel stressed by even the most basic work of daily living. Anxious people often are scared that therapy will render them unable to function.  In this case, your work is to tell them that therapy is important for the marriage and even that divorce would be a lot harder and more stressful than a weekly session. You can also take over other responsibilities on the day of session so that there is less of a “reason” that therapy should be avoided. Many people do not admit they are anxious or even know that they are. However, if they are extremely rigid about their routines and think their behavior needs to stay exactly as it is, and this is a primary reason that they refuse therapy, then it is likely that they are far more anxious than you have realized.

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They don’t want to be found out. Sometimes, there is hidden infidelity or addiction (including sex/porn, alcohol, gambling, etc) that one partner is scared will be discovered in therapy. If you feel that there is any evidence of addiction, your own individual therapy may be a better option. You can figure out how to confront your partner, how to cope if they don’t quit, and/or how to get the strength to leave.

Think deeply about this post. It may be that the best path is to seek individual therapy before asking your partner to join couples’ session, or to work on finding a counselor that your partner is comfortable with first and foremost. Either way, couples therapy can only work if both of you have some kind of buy in. It is an investment of time and money but so worth it if you’re willing to do the work. As I always tell my couples, “I am not on her side or his side, I am on the side of your marriage.” 

Silvia Farag, MSW, LSW, PsyD Candidate runs the Christian Center for Counseling and works with adolescent and adult clients in individual, couples & family therapy. Her personal philosophy is that through human connection, we can foster the encouragement needed to take courageous steps toward creating positive change. She uses evidenced based and strengths-based approaches & believes in the inherent ability of everyone to overcome when they are willing to step into their potential. Therapy illuminates the path so the client can make conscious steps towards emotional health. Her attitude is one of respect and acceptance of each client’s individuality, allowing for the creation of a safe, therapeutic space. Silvia serves with Coptic Women Fellowship, an archdiocese ministry focused on enriching, supporting, and strengthening the lives of women, along with the clergy and several accomplished women of the Coptic Orthodox Archdiocese of North America.